The Glog: #23- "Godzilla Final Wars" (2004)

This is by far the most ambitious Godzilla movie ever made, but that doesn't mean it's the best either. The most recent Godzilla movie of the original series, Final Wars sought to bring back a plethora of monsters for Godzilla to fight from his past battles, in celebration of his 50th anniversary, in an epic and apocalyptic monster mayhem movie extravaganza. Some will be shocked to see I have it ranked so low, and honestly, the reason I have it this high in my own countdown is basically due to the movies hilariously over the top and ridiculous themes, which I will point out with time. Firstly, Godzilla was redesigned again for this film. Toho returned him to his most massive size, at one hundred meters tall, but cut down his bulk, making him appear slimmer, more agile and fit, and giving him a thinner snout. In the movie's opening sequence, we learn that Godzilla has been trapped in a glacier in Antarctica by the Earth Defense Force (EDF), a group of super humans called mutants, who use super advanced military tactics and fighting styles to combat Earth's monster horde. These mutants are literally characters stolen from the Matrix series, with the main character of the movie basically being Neo. It's so stupidly obvious that the Matrix trilogy was channeled into Final War's vision, that it almost seems criminal. There's a highway chase scene in slow-mo where bullets fly past the character's heads. Then Neo wins with a nose-wheelie tire slap to the face. Moving on, suddenly some aliens show up and capture all the other monsters running amuck around the world, seemingly saving the globe as the EDF is stretched thin. Among these monsters is Anguirus, Ebirah, Rodan, King Ceaser, Kamacuras, Kumonga, and Zilla, the lizard that attacked New York which is in the #30 entry in the countdown. The EDF kills Ebirah the sea monster in an explosive battle, but these new aliens take out the rest. So through some slow scenes, we figure out the Aliens plan to release the monsters on the globe to cause chaos so they can collect us humans and use us for food (humans are referred to as cattle by the aliens several times, even in corny insults towards the main characters). One unit of EDF survives the carnage as the world is taken over. Led by former UFC champ Don Frye, an American man who was a successful wrestler in Japan, the group decides to awaken Godzilla from his icy tomb, because the Aliens don't know about him and he is the strongest, he can save the world. Don Frye literally is the worst actor ever. The other 4 worst actors ever are also present in this film, including the guy who basically plays Neo. Godzilla is awoken and quickly destroys this awesome new reimagining of Gigan, then follows the EDF ship through a monster fighting bash back to Tokyo. Godzilla kills Zilla in Sydney, Australia without breaking a sweat, kills Kamacuras, throws Kumongo like 50 miles away somewhere, knocks out Rodan, Anguirus, and King Ceaser with some flashy agile moves, all before confronting the Alien Mothership with the EDF. This is where Star Wars is brought into the movie. There is a ridiculous aerial battle where lasers and shit fly everywhere, culminating in one character flying deep into the mothership, exactly like the Death Star, to destroy it's shield generator. This part is so obvious, you may as well call that character Han Solo for all I care. Suddenly, an Asteroid hits Godzilla and blossoms into Monster X, this new, scary looking black and white beast that beats up Godzilla in this apocalyptic setting. Gigan joins the battle, but Mothra kills herself and Gigan in a suicide dive. It could probably be assumed most people around the globe are dead by now. Then Monster X morphs into "Keizer Ghidorah" a new reimaging of King Ghidorah, which nearly kills Godzilla. Apparently Keizer is literally another way of saying "The chosen one" from the matrix, because we learn the Neo character in Final Wars is a Keizer, along with the Alien Leader, who battle it out on the mother ship while Godzilla and Ghidorah go at it. I'm not making any of this up. As if it could get any better, our Neo- Keizer character stops a barrage of bullets with his hands to the complete and utter surprise of his comrades, as Don Frye looks on with an unsheathed samurai sword. Non stop action commences and Neo ends up transferring his Keizer powers to a nearly defeated Godzilla, reinvigorating the monster who throws Ghidorah into the air, then uses a spinning red colored atomic beam to blast the 3 headed monster into space. Godzilla then destroys the mother ship and the alien threat is defeated, but it doesn't stop there. Godzilla tries to finish off Don Frye and the EDF, as Don Frye cocks the Samurai Sword over his head in a defensive stance, as if that would save him from Godzilla. However, Minilla shows up and stops Godzilla just in time and we suddenly figure out why Minilla was in the entire movie, because a lot of the time you wonder what the fuck do we keep cutting to Minilla for? All in all, this movie would be one of the worst on the list, but it's so jokingly bad that it's funny to watch. It's such a shame this is what we were left with for 10 years before the release of Godzilla 2014, and I just hope and pray that someday Toho takes the initiative and makes a new series of Godzilla movies, because if this was their last gasp, then it's one of the great disappointments of my life without doubt.